The Good Wife

Mrs Rasheed

Mrs Rasheed remembers her late husband and how she coped after his death to raise five children on her own.

Interview language: English

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Very rarely you get a couple like that, don’t you think?

You know, my husband’s death was shocking. He was just 52 years old. I was 46. So we just went home for a holiday, some festival or something. Then only… I don’t know. He got the report as a slight heart attack. He spoke and I woke him and I asked shall I call for the doctor? He said, “Hah”. Immediately he passed off, in my hands. When the doctor came…there you can call the doctors anytime. When doctor came and spoke to him and he gave a tablet to keep under the tongue, immediately he passed off.

Everybody loved him in my family. They were very close to him. My husband was a very loving man. One thing I can’t forget that. He has never told me go that side. We lived like that. For that I made up my mind I must show him that he had a good wife and I was a good wife. I never thought of anybody else. Even up to now I had never thought of another man. Whoever comes, he’s also my son. Like that only I take it.

He didn’t have any bad habits. Nothing. And he trusted me a lot. And I trusted him also. We lived for 24 years. Very nice life. That is the reason…I don’t know… I never think of anybody. Always I entertain them as my own children.

Anyway, Allah’s blessing was there because his heart was good. I got back to the same level. And now what I feel is what I have is enough. More than enough.

One person came and told me, “You are like this, why don’t you think of something else? Because when you are unable, there should be someone to look after.” Which is correct. But I said no, I don’t have that feeling. From that day he never spoke to me.

No one approached me. They knew I won’t do it, so they didn’t approach. Anyway, we didn’t have any differences one thing. Very rare you get a couple like that now, don’t you think?

I was very obedient to him. And he was also like that. Even when he was sick I looked after him very well. That is one satisfaction for me. He died — passed away in my hands. Just imagine, no one will get that gift.

About this portrait

Photographer: Kannan Arunasalam, Menika van der Poorten

Interviewer: Kannan Arunasalam

Assistant : Menika van der Poorten

Editor: Kannan Arunasalam

Recorded: November 21, 2010

First published: August 3, 2023

Last edited: November 7, 2023

Comments

Kannan Arunasalam

November 23, 2010 at 12:21 pm

It was the penultimate day of the Ramazan festival, a busy time for Mrs Rasheed. We had first met a month ago. She was our guest house owner's aunt. Faiz had spoken about her resilience since the death of her husband and her matriarchal role in the large family. This time we wanted to take some photos of her and hoped that she would be free. Notwithstanding her charitable and fasting commitments during the festival, Mrs Rasheed welcomed us into her home. The house had been divided into two parts. One where Mrs Rasheed lived and the main portion where her daughter and son-in-law lived. Three people lived in this home, but Mrs Rasheed told us about how she once lived in a house of 46 people in her hometown of Gampola. We found Mrs Rasheed round the back of her part of the house, behind the kitchen. Mrs Rasheed in her element. She and two helpers were busy preparing watalappan, a pudding famous among the Muslim community, in readiness for the upcoming feast. As soon as she saw me, Mrs Rasheed launched into a series of questions about my marriage. How was my wife and how was I treating her? I was a newly wed and the last time we had met, I'd asked Mrs Rasheed for some advice on how to keep a marriage successful. Mrs Rasheed was the authority on marital bliss. Listening to Mrs Rasheed speak about her late husband really impressed me. She sill adored her husband, nearly forty years after his death. Mr Rasheed was different. He shunned the dowry, customary among Muslims and Hindus in proposed marriages, and it was only after Mrs Rasheed's pleas in trying to appease her own family who had given the jewelry, had he accepted the wedding gifts. And Mrs Rasheed thought more highly of him for it. Mrs Rasheed's wisdom about marriages was something I took away with me. This time she reiterated what she felt was the cardinal sin in a marriage: raising your voice to your spouse. There were other pieces of specific advice too, like you must always allow your wife to go to the market and not question her about how much change she brought back. Mrs Rasheed told me how her own mother had to "tell a hundred lies" to her father in order to feed the 46 strong household! I reported back to her that all was going smoothly and that I had been applying her simple but effective advice. What impressed me most about this formidable woman was that although she was widow for nearly 40 years, she still felt it was important to be a good wife to her husband. She was proud to have raised a family of five on her own and managed to get them all settled down. And through this, she had found some comfort despite the death of her beloved husband. We watched Mrs Rasheed steaming the watalappan in the final stages of the mammoth operation. Although she and her daughter were fasting at that time and had to wait until the feast, we were lucky enough to get a little advance tasting. It was still my favorite Sri Lankan pudding.
(@iam_project) (@iam_project)

July 24, 2012 at 07:55 pm

Our next Muslim elder is the formidable Mrs Rasheed from Kandy http://t.co/Sh2w0Ast #lka elders http://t.co/4Ysbfosb
(@groundviews) (@groundviews)

July 24, 2012 at 08:05 pm

RT @iam_project: Our next Muslim elder is the formidable Mrs Rasheed from Kandy http://t.co/Sh2w0Ast #lka elders http://t.co/4Ysbfosb
Kannan Arunasalam

June 15, 2015 at 07:57 pm

I am Mrs. Rasheed's eldest granddaughter. I'm afraid my grandmother sadly passed away on Friday, 12th June 2015. Thank you so very much for putting the portraits together. It's been a great source of comfort for us all and we find ourselves clinging to every word and enjoying her story again and again. It's lovely that I can still hear her speak. Please don't ever take them down. Thanks again for capturing her true essence. She was extremely proud of being a good wife. Best wishes Shihara Mohamed (née Rasheed)