The Good Wife
Mrs Rasheed
Mrs Rasheed remembers the sudden death of her husband and the life she built afterwards, raising five children on her own. Nearly forty years later she still speaks of their marriage with devotion, saying that her greatest satisfaction was knowing she had been “a good wife”.
It was the penultimate day of the Ramazan festival, a busy time for Mrs Rasheed. We had first met a month earlier. She was our guest house owner’s aunt, and Faiz had spoken about her resilience since the death of her husband and her matriarchal role in the family.
This time we hoped to take some photographs and weren’t sure if she would be free. Despite her charitable commitments and fasting during the festival, Mrs Rasheed welcomed us warmly into her home.
The house had been divided into two parts: one where she lived and the main portion where her daughter and son-in-law stayed. Only three people now lived there, but Mrs Rasheed told us how she had once grown up in a household of forty-six people in Gampola.
We found her behind the kitchen at the back of the house, in her element. With two helpers she was preparing watalappan, the pudding famous among Sri Lankan Muslims, for the upcoming feast.
As soon as she saw me she began asking about my marriage. How was my wife and how was I treating her? When we first met I had been newly married and had asked her for advice on keeping a marriage successful.
Mrs Rasheed spoke about her late husband with great affection. Nearly forty years after his death she still adored him. He had been different from many men of his time, refusing the dowry that was customary in Muslim and Hindu marriages. Only after Mrs Rasheed insisted, so as not to offend her family who had prepared jewellery and gifts, did he finally accept them.
She repeated what she believed was the cardinal sin in marriage: raising your voice to your spouse. There was other advice too — a husband should allow his wife to go to the market and never question how much change she brought home. Mrs Rasheed explained that her own mother sometimes had to “tell a hundred lies” to her father in order to feed the forty-six people living in their household.
I reported back that all was going smoothly and that I had been trying to follow her advice.
What impressed me most about this formidable woman was that although she had been widowed for nearly forty years, she still believed it was important to remain a good wife to her husband’s memory. She was proud to have raised five children on her own and settled them all in life.
We watched as she steamed the watalappan in the final stages of the operation. Although she and her daughter were fasting and would only eat after sunset, we were lucky enough to taste a little in advance.
It was still my favourite Sri Lankan pudding.
Kandy
November 23, 2010
Transcript and translations
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"Very rarely you get a couple like that, don’t you think?"
You know, my husband’s death was shocking. He was just 52 years old. I was 46. So we just went home for a holiday, some festival or something. Then only… I don’t know. He got the report as a slight heart attack. He spoke and I woke him and I asked shall I call for the doctor? He said, “Hah”. Immediately he passed off, in my hands. When the doctor came…there you can call the doctors anytime. When doctor came and spoke to him and he gave a tablet to keep under the tongue, immediately he passed off.
Everybody loved him in my family. They were very close to him. My husband was a very loving man. One thing I can’t forget that. He has never told me go that side. We lived like that. For that I made up my mind I must show him that he had a good wife and I was a good wife. I never thought of anybody else. Even up to now I had never thought of another man. Whoever comes, he’s also my son. Like that only I take it.
He didn’t have any bad habits. Nothing. And he trusted me a lot. And I trusted him also. We lived for 24 years. Very nice life. That is the reason…I don’t know… I never think of anybody. Always I entertain them as my own children.
Anyway, Allah’s blessing was there because his heart was good. I got back to the same level. And now what I feel is what I have is enough. More than enough.
One person came and told me, “You are like this, why don’t you think of something else? Because when you are unable, there should be someone to look after.” Which is correct. But I said no, I don’t have that feeling. From that day he never spoke to me.
No one approached me. They knew I won’t do it, so they didn’t approach. Anyway, we didn’t have any differences one thing. Very rare you get a couple like that now, don’t you think?
I was very obedient to him. And he was also like that. Even when he was sick I looked after him very well. That is one satisfaction for me. He died — passed away in my hands. Just imagine, no one will get that gift.
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